


Why is This Reality? [STREDDIE}

by Mystic_Talon



Category: IT, IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Anger, Depression, Drugs, Fear, Hallucinations, Heartache, Illness, Love, M/M, Mania, Multi, Schizophrenia, alcoholic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-01-31 01:47:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21438163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystic_Talon/pseuds/Mystic_Talon
Summary: “I need to stop having these hallucinations...”“If they are hallucinations then why not see a doctor?”“Always trying to make me go to the fucking hospital Eds”“Richie. You need to realize” Eddie frowns laying beside Richie.“That if I’m also here, you really should see a doctor” Stanley frowns laying on the other side of Richie.“Why is this reality?”“It’s not though” The two said in unison as Richie felt pain in his head.Richie sat up quickly looking around finding no one...No one.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier/Stanley Uris
Comments: 3
Kudos: 61





	1. After

“Is Richie okay?”

“I don’t think so”

“He needs a minute Bill, so do you”

“We did lose two of our close friends”

“It hits hard..”

“Especially if one of them was the love of your life”

“Leave Richie alone to his thoughts”

“Just. Don’t hope for the worse. Okay?”

“He won’t harm himself?”

“The worse Richie would do, is drink himself down the drain. That’ll take some time”

“That’s very dark to say Mike”

“It’s the truth. Richie lost the love of his life. And won’t be okay. For who knows how long”

“Taking in the medicine called Life”

“Life is a bitch”

“Especially to us Losers”

“Why couldn’t he have died sooner”

“Keeping Eddie and Stan alive for that matter”

“Let’s...lets get away from Richie’s door. Give him...an actual minute” 

The four losers moved away from right beside the door. Leaving Richie alone completely. As he sat on the floor leaning against the door holding this grey jacket in his arms. Something he found of Eddie’s, something from his luggage of course. 

Silence

Tears

Coughs

Choking

Exhaling

Sigh

All feelings inside are now....

Silenced. 

Until the morning after...


	2. In Case You Don’t Live Forever

“So, how is your mood this morning Mr. Tozier? You’ve always been very quiet during our sessions. But today, my receptionist told me you’re were happy looking. Even though I do tell Erin to be truthful over the line”

“But she’s not wrong, I am happy. Today is a wonderful day” Richie smiles, four months and six therapy sessions after Eddie’s death. 

“Hm. Let me guess the character”

“Oh. This exercise”

“I’m a forty something year old man, living alone with a cat, keeping the belongings of my dead lover who wasn’t even my lover, and I like to say I’m happy so that my therapist would just sign me off as okay and I never have to see her again”

“That’s obviously me. And what gives you the right to do an exercise like this?”

“My many years as a therapist for people of every age. And you’re a comedian. Need to kick a few bolts of the past to trigger the present. But elaborate. Why are you happy today?”

“Because my best friend is coming into town. That’s something to look forward to”

“Your best friend? Who is that again..” His therapist looked at her notes reading Stanley Uris the last time he told her who his best friend was. 

“Bev, She’s coming down to tell me something important”

Beverly Marsh

“The woman who told you that the love of your life is dead. The woman you told me several times that she could’ve dragged him out”

“What is the point in therapy if you’re just trying to trigger unwanted emotions”

“Richard. Therapy is built to help you handle your emotions. Including the ones that you don’t want reaching the surface ever again. But Richie, you’ve been here six times. And you either listen to me give you tools, the exercises, or you cry for the entire session. This is the first time in my career that I’m going to strictly tell you. I’m not ever going to judge you or your thoughts. I’m here to help you understand. All of your feelings. No matter how long it takes” She frowns setting down the notepad along with Richie’s file before scooting her chair right in front of him. “Are you ready?”

“Yes”

“No”

“Yes I am”

“You never were”

“But I-“

“Bowers”

“Stop”

“Sam”

“Please”

“Stanley”

“Stop...”

“Eddie”

“....” Richie gripped his knees feeling his body start to shake. “I could’ve saved him...I really could’ve”

“Honey. He’s dead”

“We could’ve saved him. He’s...he....he was just hurt” Richie started balling as he took his glasses off to cover his eyes letting it all out. 

“One thing I tell my patients that come in, telling me those they’ve lost and loved, that they are always going to be there. In your heart. In your soul. And if you believe in heaven, then you’ll meet them one day. But remember. You’re alive. You are living with this loss and you have to keep fighting.” His therapist was about to continue when the timer went off. “I’ll see you next week Mr. Tozier?”

Richie nods as he wanted to stay for a minute. Which wasn’t an issue. 

As the moment has passed, Richie drove himself back to his apartment finding Beverly waiting for him at his door. 

“Shit I’m so sorry..” Richie hurried out of his car running over to Bev and hugging her happily. 

“I just got here Rich. Don’t beat yourself up about it” Bev smiles returning the hug. “So, can I finally go in”

“Yes! Yes” Richie laughs unlocking the door and opening it for Bev. 

As Beverly walks into his apartment she scanned around finding it very clean for a traveling comedian. She frowns finding a picture of Richie and Eddie before that tragic night. Confused on how he’s doing. Bev continued to explore as she still knocked old habits. Beer bottles in the recycling. Ash tray outside on the deck. She came for one soul reason but another was to check up on Richie. Not just for herself. 

“So where will I be staying?”

“The guest room. I made the bed and there’s a towel if you plan on showering at all while you’re here”

“You’ve changed huh?”

“Just being nice and tidy” Richie smiles as he walks into the kitchen. “Want something to drink? Hard stuff. Water”

“Water is fine” Bev smiles as she took a seat on one of the bar stools looking at the framed posters on the wall of his shows. “Working on any new material lately?”

“Uh. Yes and no. I have a tour planned. And a show in two weeks before said tour. But right now just planning everything with my agent” Richie states as he sets down the glass of water for Bev in front of her. “How’s Ben? The wedding was perfect”

“It was small, but hey. It still meant a lot seeing you and Bill there. Too bad Mike couldn’t show up”

“He’s enjoying his travels”

“What a lucky guy” Bev laughs as she drank some of her water. 

“Ben makes a lot. Honestly you two could go anywhere”

“True. But I like it in San Fran. It’s nicer than LA”

“Hey don’t diss LA, it’s perfect to me”

Bev laughs a bit as she watches Richie give off a gentle smile. Something she hasn’t seen him do in a while. 

“So, where to in LA?” 

“I have...the perfect spot” Richie smiles big grabbing his keys. 

After a while the two ended up leaning against the railing looking out at the view from the Getty Center. Richie scanned around for a sign before reaching in his pocket and taking out a cigarette. Bev frowns watching him light it and take a hit or two. 

“Richie..”

“Hm? Oh did you?”

“No just”

“What?”

“Rich. I’m pregnant, and I can’t be around smoke from cigs”

“Bev!” Richie gasps before putting it out and freaking out a bit. “You’re pregnant?!”

“Yeah” Beverly smiles big as Richie immediately hugged her feeling awful for smoking. 

“How far?!”

“Almost three months. It’s exciting” 

“How did Ben react?!”

“He fucking cried” Beverly smiles laughing a bit with Richie. “But that’s what makes him perfect. Ben is going to be a great dad”

“Wait wait wait. Is this why you came down here??”

“Yes! I wanted to tell you first before any of the other losers”

“Damn Eddie and Stanley would...would love you and Ben’s kid” Richie states as Bev rests her hand on Richie’s back resting her head on his shoulder. “They would. Bev..”

“I know Hun...” 


	3. Listen Before I Go

“If you ever need me, you know to call me Rich”

“I know Bev, be safe driving home”

“You know I will, or Ben will kill me” Bev laughs making her way out leaving Richie once again alone in his apartment. 

Richie listened to the sounds of LA before locking the door for the night. He soon walks into his bedroom flipping the light switch on. 

“Sup Trashmouth” 

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!” Richie screams seeing Eddie laying on his bed. 

“Wow. So mean”

“WHAT THE. IM NOT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MEAN?! HOW THE FUCK-“

“Am I alive? I don’t know”

“This-....This has to be some kind of fever dream”

“Do you have a fever? Did you check your temp? Your dumbass probably doesn’t even have a thermometer” 

Richie continued to stare as Eddie slides himself to the edge of the bed looking around his bedroom. 

“You clean? Okay that’s new”

“Eds”

“Don’t call me that Richard”

“And don’t call me Richard!”

“For fucks sake Richie. Why are you this surprised to see me?”

——

“Bev. He’s just hurt. We gotta get him out of here”

“Honey he’s dead...”

“No bev. He’s just hurt.. Bev”

“Richie we gotta go”

——

Richie felt the emotions suddenly take over as he started balling and laughing nervously. Eddie frowns standing to his feet approaching Richie about to place his hands on his face when Richie retracted. 

“Richie”

“D-Dont...you’re not...you’re dead...buried under Neibolt...”

“Richie, you’re crying. Let me comfort you”

“You’re not...you’re not here-“ Richie suddenly shuts up as he felt Eddie’s hands rest on his face. 

“I. Am here...” Eddie frowns as he felt Richie grab onto his red jacket crying even more. “I’m here for you...”

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry...” Richie cried going on about that night as Eddie wrapped his arms around him bringing him close. “Wait-“

Richie pulled Eddie off him grabbing his face seeing there’s now a scar on his cheek. He instantly lifted his shirt making Eddie blush trying to stop him but there was also a scar from when he was impaled. 

“RICHIE TOZIER”

“What?! You were dead. You were fucking dead under Neibolt.” 

“Yeah but have you ever thought that I love you so much that I lived?”

Richie felt all the emotions as he grabbed Eddie’s face watching him start crying. He felt his tears fall on his hands causing him to cry even more. 

“You....you love me...” Richie broke even more hearing that as Eddie held his hands resting on his face. The tears kept coming from both of them. 

The crying continued even more as Richie soon took the moment to press his lip against the vulnerable Eddie. He wrapped his arms around his neck feeling Richie wrap his arms around his waist. The two fell on top of Richie’s bed enjoying this tender to heated moment as Richie started stripping Eddie and vise versa. Eddie took a shoe and tossed it at the light turning it off for them to be more intimate in the dark. 

——

“You are never going to tell him Rich?”

“He’s leaving today Stan. He’ll never know. And you’ll never know”

Stanley frowns looking at Richie confused on what he means. Before Richie could walk away. Stanley grabbed his arm bringing him to face him grabbing his face watching the tears start to fall down his face. 

“You don’t always have to keep secrets Rich”

——

Eddie laid on top of Rich under his blankets as he listened to how slow Richie’s heartbeat was. Finally indicating he’s calmed down after all that has currently happened. 

“What’s this supposed to mean”

“Quite a lot of things Richie”

“You’re alive...and in my arms...I thought you would’ve gone...gone back to Myra”

“She moved on. Thought you knew that”

“Once you...well when I thought you died...I cut contact from a lot of the losers...they are slowly rebuilding as they were worried for me..but now there’s nothing to worry about. Right?”

“Even Stanley?” Eddie questions causing Richie to sit up making the smaller male shift to lay beside him. “Guessing that’s a shocker as well”

“But. Bev said-“

“Those who die in Derry don’t really die”

“Eds. That only fucking applies to you. He died in Atlanta! Wait. But. How. I-“

“Don’t call me Eds first of all. Also, you don’t know that until you go see him. Or he comes to you. Who truly knows” Eddie flips on his back resting one of his hands on the scar on his chest. “He’ll probably come”

“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT EDS”

“For fuck sake Richie. We just fucked and how the fuck are you this energetic to be this goddamn loud” Eddie groans as he forces Richie to lay back down. “Sometimes. Fate wants to give you all the things you love back. Just be positive and who knows who will knock in that door”

Richie was about to say more when his phone went off. He turned to the night stand grabbing his phone seeing it’s his agent. But once he ended it turning back to Eddie. 

He was gone. 


	4. Atlas: Three

“Have these...moments occurred again?”

“No, so..that means I’m good right? Or well. Imagining things”

“Some patients of mine have had hallucinations but that usually is the case of a mental illness. For example schizophrenia. But there are other cases where it’s a brain tumor” She frowns writing down a number and handing it to Richie. “First. Hallucinations could also be just the brain filling in that void we all need filled. But if you ever get worried. That’s the number for Doctor Park, a neuro surgeon”

Richie frowns staring at the number before putting it away keeping it just in case. 

“How are you doing other than the hallucinations?”

“I Uh, well I feel fine. Other than when the time the hallucinations happened”

“Are you sleeping?”

“Depends”

“7?”

“No”

“6?”

“Uhhh no”

“5...”

“No”

“4”

“Yeah, four hours”

“If you need a prescription for sleeping medication then I can do that for you”

“I don’t-“ Richie stops talking watching his therapist write a prescription. “Oh okay”

“Just taking precaution. Four hours is three hours more than the other times you came for your sessions. So try and get a full seven hours and if you can’t tonight. Take the medication” She says calmly handing Richie the slip before setting down the note pad crossing her legs and resting her hands on her knee. “Ready?”

“I really don’t feel up to do this-“

“Yes”

“No”

“Sleep”

“No”

“Derry”

“Fuck that”

“Bev”

“Pregnant”

“Stan”

“Alive....” Richie frowns knowing it’s not true as just saying that took a huge toll on his mind. “I really wish he was alive...then maybe I wouldn’t be sitting in a therapy office every other week”

“Was Stan the one you always turned to?”

“Yeah..he..he was my best friend”

——

“I can’t Rich”

“Stan-“

“Richie I just can’t do this so you can make Eddie jealous and notice you. I can’t do that when my feelings are obviously just going to get ignored” 

“Stan, what made you think I’m going to ignore your feelings?”

“So are you saying you’re planning a three way?”

“Polyamorous”

“What? You know that but you can’t do math” Stanley frowns as he soon punches Riche in the arm. 

“What was that for!”

“For thinking I’m capable of sharing”

——

The hours went by as Richie sat on a stool looking out at an empty theater holding a mic. 

“My name is Richie Trashmouth Tozier and god do I love my women like I love my coffee” He smirks. “Did I mention I prefer tea over coffee?”

Richie heard the audience laugh as his mind imagined them not there when they were and he was going on with his show. He was out of the closet to his fans. His friends of course supported him through this whole process and his first manager didn’t support him so he got a new one. Apparently LA has quite a few more supportive managers. 

“You know what the gay motto is, right? If you can’t have a happy home, wreck one” Richie laughs a bit along with his audience as he sighs happily. “Thanks for coming out tonight, I love you all goodnight!” He smiles waving them all off as he walks off stage. 

“Well done Rich, that officially starts the tour. Now go home. Rest. And in two weeks, we’ll be on the road” His manager smiles happily patting his back. 

Richie smiles as he turns the mic off handing it off to the tech guy before walking to his dressing him. He closed the door before turning around finding a familiar curly haired man staring right at him. 

“Long time no see Richie boy” Stanley smiles happily as Richie stares in disbelief before fainting. “Woah. Didn’t think he’d do that” he got up quickly kneeling over him. 

As minutes went by Richie opened his eyes to find a flurry figure. Only realizing he didn’t wear his glasses in that moment. He jolts up finding himself on the futon of his dressing room panicking internally when he watches the blurry figure out his glasses back on for him. 

“I swear-“

“Swear what?”

“I swear to god you are dead. Just like Eddie-“

“Who said we’re dead?”

“Uh. Well. Patty. And Eddie got impaled in front of me.” Richie frowns standing to his feet grabbing tuffs of his hair looking in the mirror seeing Stanley standing beside him. “I went to your funeral.....I...went to your funeral” he started tearing up as Stanley frowns physically moving Richie to face him resting both of his hands on his waist looking up. 

“Did you see a body?”

“N-No”

“Then that doesn’t prove anything, you feel me don’t you? I’m physically...standing right in front of you. Holding onto you. I’m here” Stanley smiles as Richie removes his hands from his hair grabbing Stan’s face gently feeling him. “I may not have been there to help you take care of It but I’m here now”

“You were always here for me Stan...” Richie states as Stanley rests comfortably in his hands before moving himself to rest his face against his chest. Richie instantly wrapping his arms around him. 

“I’m here for you”


	5. Friend, Please

Richie held Stanley for a while still in some disbelief as he felt Stanley part from him for a moment. 

“Your heart is pounding”

“This feels...unreal...I’m sorry”

“Scary isn’t it? But I promise you it’s not” Stanley took his hand into his squeezing. 

“You...then Eddie..I-“

“Eddie?” Stan smiles before giving off a small giggle. “Oh how you were head over heals for the hypochondriac in middle school...then high school...and you were so oblivious to who wanted your attention desperately” his smile faded as he parts completely from Rich leaning against the counter with the mirror. 

Richie knew what he was talking about, as after all that has happened he remembered everything. He locked the door so no one would interrupt the two as he walks over to Stan resting his hand on his cheek. 

“Is this really Stan the man...the one who never told me their feelings...”

“You know me too well Trashmouth” Stan rests his face in his hand feeling Richie inch closer making him close the space in between the two kissing the taller male. 

This all felt crazy...

But real.

After a while Richie found himself in his apartment sitting beside Stanley on his bed. 

“This is all weird...crazy”

“So real?” Eddie joins the two leaning against the door frame winking at Stan who rolled his eyes at the gesture. “What other proof that you need from us to make you fully believe that we are here?” He walks over to the two sitting on the other side of Richie. 

“We already showed you our scars, which...is an uncomfortable feeling having someone who slit their wrists show the person they love what they’ve done”

“No offense Stanley but I’d rather do that then get impaled by a giant clown spider” Eddie lays back onto the bed as Stanley leaned back punching his arm. “Okay okay. I’m sorry that was inappropriate”

“You felt us both”

“In more ways than others” Eddie adds as Stanley didn’t know if he wanted to kill him or not. 

Stanley thought for a moment as the two watch Richie got up to pace the room. 

“Twenty questions?”

“He already fucking knows us Stan”

“No! To prove him that we are Stan and Eddie”

“Shit that’s actually smart” Eddie sat up moving next to Stan as the two stare at Richie who looked at them still in personal panic. 

“I really. Really. Am confused on all that is happening.” Richie groans as he felt his head start pounding. Eddie held his chest taking a deep breath while Stan rubbed his forearms. “Fine. Fine. Let’s...let’s do this. State your names first though”

“Edward Kaspbrak”

“Stanley Uris”

“What the fuck do I call you?”

“Eds, Eddie Spaghetti, Edwardo, Edward Spaghedward, shall I go on?”

“Damn. He only calls me Stan the man, Bird boy, and Staniel. Unless he calls me shit behind my back which is always normal”

“The Losers always say shit behind our backs. Nothing negative of course but yknow. We are also clueless” Eddie laughs a bit. 

Richie stares for a while before shaking off the strange feeling for a moment. 

“Okay okay. What am I religiously?”

“Jewish” Stan states. 

“But you stopped being religious in high school”

“Uhhhh. What did I want to be in high school?”

“An actor, but that changed” Eddie rolls his eyes as the two shared an exchange knowing Richie could’ve done fine as an actor but became a comedian. 

“Favorite arcade game”

“Street fighter” the two said in unison as Richie wanted to get more deep but when he thought about it it only made him feel uncomfortable. 

“Fuck. Uh. Okay. I’ll definitely know you two are actually alive and...here. If you individually can answer this...” 

Eddie frowns seeing Richie’s hands shake as Stanley was afraid of what he’ll ask. 

“The one day Eddie and I went alone in the clubhouse, I wanted to confess my feelings. But I choked-“

“Wait you wanted to-“ Eddie frowns as Stanley took his hand into his feeling him squeeze. 

“I. Choked. What happened that night...”

“You snuck into my window late at night crying. And...bleeding. At first I thought Bowers got to you. When really your overwhelming feelings took over and you needed someone to talk to while..also bandage your arms” Stan frowns as Eddie tried connecting the dots that when he did he started balling. 

Richie couldn’t contain himself when Eddie started crying as it resulted in him crying as well. 

“Take a minute Rich” Stan frowns bringing Eddie fully in his arms letting him ball. 

Some things, aren’t told until it’s too late. 

As the moment didn’t pass, Richie didn’t need to ask or try to figure it out when he knew that they both were who they say they are. He brought Eddie into his arms holding him as he broke down in his arms. Stanley brought himself up wrapping his arms around both of them from behind Eddie. The three stayed in that moment. 

“How did I never know about this....”

“A lot happened in high school Eds....”

“Too much shit happened....”

Eddie felt overwhelmed as he held onto Richie for dear life before retracting causing Stanley to let go. Eddie held Richie’s arms as he stared at his arms seeing the fewest scars frowning. 

“Richie-“

“My feelings...for you, and..you” Richie looks at Stan watching him inch closer. “Were hidden...but never completely” 

“What do you mean Rich?” Stan frowns as Eddie pulls away so that he could talk to both of them face to face. 

“Bev and I would talk a lot in high school. Especially the fact that I love you both. And when I’m with Stan I’d talk about Eds. Bill is the one who’d listen to me go on about Stan. I was just...oblivious to your feelings Stan”

“And I was oblivious to yours...” Eddie frowns as Stan rests his hand on his shoulder. 

“But remember. We are all here. Together. Finally”

Finally


	6. How to Save a Life

A few days went by, except Eddie and Stan didn’t leave or disappear. They were there. Alive. Physically. The two were back in Richie’s life and he didn’t want to take advantage of it. 

“Have you heard from Richie? Since the last time you visited” Ben asks Bev as he hands her tea before sitting beside her. “I know he’s quite the stressful topic at times and I don’t want to stress you or the baby out. But he used to call every other day. Just for a friend”

“As much as I want to get on a plane to go see Rich, I can’t. But the radio silence is scary” Bev frowns resting her hand on her pregnant belly only thinking about what shit Richie got himself in. “Call Bill”

“What?”

“Call Bill. He’s in LA. He lives in LA. Have him see Rich. Check up on him. Please” Bev frowns as Ben set his cup down before taking out his phone to call their friend. 

After a call and a few texts here and there. Bill approached Richie’s doorstep seeing nothing strange. The mail wasn’t overflowing. No packages waiting outside. Bill looked back at Richie’s car seeing it clean and looking like it still ran. Nothing out of the ordinary. He was about to knock when the door opened showing Richie who looked like he’s been taking care of himself. His hair was brushed and washed. He wasn’t wearing the same shirt from Neibolt like he used to twenty four seven. He looked normal. 

“Hey man”

“Hey Big Bill. Come in!” Richie smiles moving out of the way as Bill walks in scanning around not seeing anything out of the ordinary. 

“How are you d-doing Rich? None of the losers heard from you in a while. Thought I’d c-c-check in since I-I live in LA” Bill asks as Richie shrugs for his answer. 

“Nothing out of the ordinary Bill. I’ve just been taking care of myself I guess”

“And t-that is?” Bill took a seat as Richie sat across from him in the loveseat. 

“Well if you’re thinking that I drink my sorrows and smoke my lungs away. That’s not it. For the most part.” Richie smiles happily as he took a minute to check his phone in case of a message from his mama her. “I don’t drink as often anymore. I still smoke once a day. And no not one a pack. Just one cigarette. And...since that one time..at uh. Eddie’s funeral. I’ve been in therapy” Richie’s smile faded which worried Bill as he got up holding his hand out. 

“Come on. L-Let’s get a drink. Actually l-let your feelings s-s-speak out” Bill took Richie’s hand dragging him out of his apartment. 

A few moments went by as Richie slammed down a fourth shot on the table sinking into the booth. Bill rests his face in his hands looking at Richie waiting. Richie brought himself up waving the waiter to get more shots before looking at Bill. 

“I see Eddie..and Stan.All...” Richie hiccups before giving off a cough. “All the time. And it’s so...soooo....intoxicating. Feels like a drug my mind thinks it’s on. Seeing them. Feeling them. Hearing their voices.”

“Wait. You see them? And feel them....are they here...now?” Bill questions as Stan and Eddie were on either side of Bill looking at Richie. 

“He can’t see us Rich. Nor will the other losers” Stanley frowns as he rests his hand on Bill’s shoulder but he didn’t react. 

“Just lie” Eddie states as Richie slams his head into the table. 

“No. I used to...but no. Guess when I relaxed with the alcohol I didn’t see them. But now I’m drinking a lot and I can’t see them....sooooo....I can’t see them anymore” Richie goes on as Stan and Eddie sigh with relief when Bill somewhat bought it. “Can we talk about something else???”

“Hmmmmm. Bev is pregnant”

“I knewwwww that...But how far?”

“Hmmm....Honestly I cant remember. Alllll I know is that s-s-she and B-Ben are trying to figure o-out names. T-They also want a girl but Bev looked up s-symptoms and it seems like a boy”

“How can you look up symptoms....for a gender....” Richie questioned laying in the booth for a moment but he felt his head rest in someone’s lap. This case being Eddie’s. 

Bill frowns resting his head on the table as the shots finally came to the table. He took one into his hands looking over at Richie and his day dreaming state. He down the shot coughing after. 

“You want to go do something stupid?”

“I’ve done plenty”

“Nah like. Me stupid”

“Oh?”

The two soon ended up in Bill’s study at his home. He grabbed his books off the shelves setting them in a pile on his desk before taking out his lighter. 

“Dude. You’ll burn your house down” Richie thought for a moment before grabbing the books. “Let’s go to your fire pit”

“Hmmmm smart. Smart” Bill tapped the side of his head. 

Bill was getting all the books into a box heading outside as Richie stood behind in his study for a while finding a letter. 

That letter...

Resting on Bill’s desk. Opened. Read. Felt. 

Richie took a minute grabbing the letter and reading all of it once again. Even though his own rests in his nightstand along with a shower cap and inhaler. Mementoes. 

If you find someone worth holding onto 

If you find someone worth holding onto

If you find someone worth holding onto

If you find someone worth holding onto

If you find someone worth holding onto

I found Eddie.....

If you find someone worth holding onto

I found Stan.....

If you find someone worth holding onto

I had them both....

I have them both....

If you find...

Someone...

Worth..

Holding. 

Onto

And then Richie collapsed. 


	7. Touch

Richie

Richie

My love

Richie!

Rich!

Trashmouth!

Richard!

Love!

WAKE UP—

R I C H I E T O Z I E R

“Shit...Rich. Rich.” Bill ran to his side shaking his collapsed body. “Wake up...fuck” He frowns immediately taking his phone out and dialing 911.

“I’m here for you Rich” Eddie whispers as he laid beside Richie’s collapsed body. 

“I love you Richie” Stanley sighs laying on his other side. 

“Richie....” Eddie cries loudly gripping the hole in his chest. 

“I swear Bill....” Stanley frowns feeling the blood drip down his wrists. 

“We know your dirty little secret” The two said in unison before suddenly grabbing Richie’s throat. 

Richie jolts up panting out of aniexty scanning around realizing he’s not in Bill’s study anymore. He’s in the hospital connected to an IV bag and a monitor. The only knew thing to him was the pain in his head. 

Extreme

Unbearable

Pain-

“Oh thank god!” Bill drops his coffee as he rushes himself into Richie’s arms after seeing his awake exposure. 

“What....why am I here?”

“Why?! You fucking collapsed in my study!...hell that was...three days ago”

“Three days ago?!?”

“Who knew alcohol can have such a draining affect on someone extremely dehydrated. Do you not take care of yourself Rich?”

“I-....” Richie kept his mouth shut knowing if he said anything more about-

Eddie. 

Stanley. 

It would cause more concern from Bill and he’d only report back to the others and make them concerned for the depressed comedian when Richie doesn’t want that. Especially for Beverly. 

“I honestly...drink alcohol like it’s water..so”

“That’s very bad Mr. Tozier, but I’m surprised you’re not losing your liver” The doctor states as he sets up the CT of his abdomen on the x-ray light. “There’s nothing on the abdominal CT. Which in other terms means there’s nothing wrong. Dehydration is the main culprit of your fainting episode. But we are discussing more tests. Because it doesn’t explain you being unconscious for three days. A resident will come in to do the tests, and I’ll return with the results” he says as calmly as he could even though Richie only grew anxious. 

Bill stayed with him the entire time, and because he was his ride. But when Rich has to go with the doctor he’d text the other losers about what’s going on. Tried to be calm and normal in his texts. But he still got overreactions. 

Bev: YOU DIDNT FUCKING CALL?!

Ben: Bev please

Bev: ITS ALREADY HELL ENOUGH THAT BEN IS OUT OF TOWN FOR A WEEK. NOW I HEAR THIS?! WHAT THE FUCK BILL

Mike: The doctors are taking care of him and are making sure everything is alright. Don’t stress Beverly

Ben: ^^^^^^^^

Bev: SHUT THE FUCK UP. ILL STRESS IF I WANT

Bill: You shouldn’t stress. For the most part he’s alright

Ben: Shit

Bev: “FOR THE MOST PART” THAT MEANS THERE CAN BE SOMETHING WRONG

Bill: I highly doubt there’s something wrong. Trust me

Mike: We are forty. Not that age can stop us but maybe it’s hitting Richie first

Bev: THATS NOT HELPFUL

Ben: God I’ll come home early. I don’t want you stressing...

Bev: I’ll. Be. Fine. Once I know EVERYTHING. 

Bill: I’ll keep you guys posted. 

Richie came back sitting on the edge of his bed as Bill frowns waiting for something but he watched Richie shrug. 

“Well? Did you hear anything?”

“No they just did blood work and they took my pee”

“Okay I didn’t need to know that but did they say when you’ll get your results?”

“They are rushing them but my doc said if I’m here for over an hour and no answers then he’ll call” Richie says calmly as he stares at the wall where Stan and Eddie stood patiently waiting. 

After a while, Richie got the clear to go home and everything was normal except for the obvious note to stay hydrated. Bill drove him home and insisted in staying the night just to make sure he’ll be okay but Richie refused saying he’ll be fine. As Richie got out, Bill watched him get inside his house just to make sure everything went fine as he got in. Then once the door closed he started his car to go but then he remembered something he said at the bar which only brought a bit of concern. 

Eddie

Stan

Aren’t..they gone?

Richie: Hey

Bev: OH MY GOD

Richie: What?

Bev: Fucking radio silence 

Richie: Can you call?

Bev: Yes!

“Richie! I swear to god you need to call if you are ever hurt or for anything! I’m not just a brick wall like most therapists nowadays!”

“I’m sorry Bevvie, it’s just happened so I didn’t know what exactly to do. Thank god for Bill though”

“Honey, do you need me-“

“No Bev. You stay there. Keep that bun healthy. You don’t need my stress added onto yours”

“Rich...”

“What?”

“It’s already stressful enough because my age makes it more dangerous to be pregnant. I think about that every night and Ben isn’t here to help me through the night to reassure me. So please I want to help you and it’ll take my mind off of what’s happening to me”

Richie frowns as he held the phone to his ear taking in the moment. He felt hands rest on his back which made him immediately break down over the call without any context. 

“Bev you’re going to think I’m crazy...”

“Rich. We are all crazy”

“Not this crazy...”

Bev frowns as she reaches for her laptop knowing her protective brain is going to look up whatever Richie is going to tell her. 

He told her everything

Hallucinations

Migraines

Restlessness 

Nothing serious at the moment, but you know Bev’s emotions got the best of her as she had several things brought up on her screen. 

Tumors

Diseases

Conditions

Don’t stress Beverly, Ben wouldn’t appreciate that...


	8. Lucky I Got What I Want

I got on a train, left Derry to start a new in New York. I met a wonderful girl. Married her. Became a risk analyst and had what I wanted. It was perfect. Until I stepped foot in Derry once again. Feeling the old feelings from my childhood. High school days. All of those memories. All of those feelings. You standing at the train stop crying as you watched it leave. Watched me leave...Richie I didn’t know your feelings until the day I died and everything fell apart for you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry

Sincerely,

Eddie Kaspbrak

————

The losers left Derry High before I, because I was the youngest. I watched them all leave and cry holding onto one another. As I watch you cry for someone who never knew. But I always knew. My heart cried for you. I died for you. I left my perfect life, with the perfect wife. I left everything behind knowing it’ll help you all survive. Find someone worth holding onto Richie, keep Eddie in your arms until the end of your days. Knowing I’ll never be able to feel the warmth you’ve brought me...ever again. I’m sorry. 

Forgive me,

Stanley Uris

————

“I HAVE TO”

“NO BEVERLY”

“HE COULD HAVE MILLIONS OF THINGS WRONG WITH HIM THAT THEY DIDNT FIND”

“BEV PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME”

“Ben I need to go”

“You’re too far along to travel. Just ask Bill-“

“No! I want to do it! I want to help my friend! Why won’t you let me help my friend!”

“You’re over reacting! You’re not Eddie. You’re not a hypochondriac. If the doctors cleared him. Then he’s cleared. Richie is fine. He’s fine!”

“He’s hallucinating them Ben....he’s hallucinating Eddie and Stanley. How do you think he may be feeling right now?!”

“Bev. You’re pregnant. Emotional. Over protective. We all know that. But please let me take care of you and maybe if Richie is in the right state of mind. He’ll ask for the answers himself instead of being forced. He never liked being forced to do anything but he did a lot of shit anyway and look at what it cost him. He lost Eddie under Neibolt. Stanley killed himself. The hallucinations are probably his brain filling in that void. And if they were serious. He has the help he needs there.” Ben frowns holding Beverly’s face in his hands as she started to ball. 

Ben held her until she calmed down and even after the fact. 

She’s not the only worried one here...

A few months went by as Richie lays in bed scrolling through photos from a group chat happily. Eddie climbs into the bed beside him looking at the pictures of the tiny baby. 

“Is that Beverly’s?”

“Yes it is. A healthy baby boy, which they refuse to name Richard Jr.”

Stanley laughs a bit at the suggestion. “Well of course Rich. There can only be one of you”

“True. But they haven’t decided on a name yet. They just call him little bean for now” 

“That’s cute” Eddie smiles at the thought. “Little Bean is an adorable nickname for a beautiful baby” he continues to smile as he takes Richie’s phone from him to admire. “Oh how it would’ve been wonderful to hold him”

“She knows...and so does Ben probably”

“What do you mean by that?” Stan adjusts himself for Richie to rest his head in his lap and Eddie’s in Richie’s. 

“Bev knows about you two” Richie frowns as Eddie brought himself up looking over at Stan before down at Richie. 

“You know none of them can see and hear us”

“I know...I know” Richie frowns as he felt Stan run his hands through his hair. 

“Hm. Guess they know” Eddie rolls his body towards the two giving off a smile before resting his eyes. “They’ll never truly understand Rich”

“Never?”

“Never” The two state as Richie laid there in his thoughts trying to understand completely. 

After a couple of hours, Richie fell asleep and covered himself in the blankets while the two stood at the edge of the bed staring. Stan frowns as does Eddie who seem to be frozen in that state. 

“He used to look at me from afar...and wonder what life would be like with me by his side”

“Rich used to hold my hands when he broke down, and they were always cold so it was nice to hold them for a while to warm them”

“He was always the second one to enter the phone booth, and he always fixated his eyes onto me then onto you when you came in after. Like he never wanted to lose us”

“Life was perfect”

“Until you offed yourself”

“And you were impaled”

“Life was perfect...until it wasn’t” Eddie frowns moving himself to sit on the edge of the bed along with Stan as they kept their eyes on Rich. “We’re here for you now Richie baby”

“And we aren’t going anywhere...”

“Anytime soon” Eddie frowns feeling a pain in his chest before suddenly coughing and collapsing. 

Stan got up not to help Eddie as he frowns walking directly beside Richie’s face and kneeling. 

“Today isn’t the day” He frowns as he smacks Richie who suddenly jolted up to the sight of them both gone but his heart wouldn’t stop pounding from whatever happened. 

Whatever...happened...

“So you’ve been gone for a week or two. I wasn’t counting but you didn’t bother to say you’re cancelling when I could’ve had an early day. But that doesn’t matter now does it” His therapist says calmly watching Richie’s attention fixate on the two standing behind her. “Richard did you see the doctor I recommended?”

Richie didn’t answer as he watches Stan and Eddie give each other a glance before going back to Rich. 

“Rich?”

“Oh. Shit...what?” He looks back at his therapist who seemed worried at that very moment. 

“Do you still see hallucinations?”

“...”

“Richie, I don’t want to force answers out of you when it’s a simple question”

“...Yes, but I don’t know..”

“Don’t know what?”

“How to get rid of them...” Richie frowns as Eddie felt tears roll down his cheeks along with Stan but the therapist only noticed Richie’s. 

“I don’t want to alarm you, but I do have both the medical option and more of the witchcraft option. And knowing the man of comedy you’d do witchcraft first. But that results in burning any belongings from those you see that you may still have. The medical option is seeing the doctor I recommended and getting a CT of your brain. That can go a long way.” She says calmly writing down the number in case Richie threw the original copy out. “But remember it can go a long way” she frowns handing it to Rich as he held it in his hands thinking for a while there. 

“I thought I was lucky...getting them back into my life. Falling in love all over again....but it hurt” Richie frowns feeling all the tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Can we try that one therapy Rich? If it’s alright with you” 

“It’s not that-“

“Not that trigger thing. Well it’s another but not from words.”

“Oh..”

“Trust me”


	9. Love of My Life

————

“Eddie! Careful. I swear to fuck” Richie snaps at Eddie who was trying to ride his bike with his cast. When he’s done it before. 

Over protective 

“I’ll be fine. Stop worrying. If you want to make sure I’m fine? Then you can ride home with me” Eddie smiles a tad to reassure Richie as he started peddling back home with Richie following shortly behind. 

“Do you think Mrs. K is still mad at me?”

“I mean. I’m surprised she blames you for the cast but it wasn’t anyone’s fault” 

“Yeah but I feel bad”

“Tsk. You popped it back into place, or tried to so I guess you can feel bad for that. But. Rich I wouldn’t” Eddie stops at the stop sign with Richie as the two locked eyes for the moment. “You’re just being a great protective friend. So I wouldn’t think too much into it” he smiles taking his turn toward his house as Richie scoffs smiling. 

————

“Explain Eddie to me, if you don’t mind” His therapist asks as she sets down the motion devices that are supposed to trigger certain memories. Sometimes places. “Besides what I already know from when you were first in here, I’m talking more in depth”

“What else is there much to say? Bill introduced him to me when we were kids. He was a nerd. A dork. But. He took my heart...rather quickly”

“Explain”

“He was fragile. Bubbled by his mom. It was obvious he hated that feeling. So when it was us, Bill, and Stan...we tried to pop that bubble and when we did. Shit happened that was fun and hearing him smile and laugh was so breathtaking. He’s perfect...” 

“So, he took your breath away. But why didn’t you confess your feelings earlier? I’m not saying that time could’ve been re-written but there could’ve been more time”

“I was a closeted gay during a time where I was and would’ve been called a fag or a fairy. I didn’t want that on anybody else. Only me. I...I kept my feelings for Eddie to myself and to Stanley when I completely ignored Stan’s feelings. But he was closeted too. So what am I supposed to do now?”

“Nothing hun. But realize. That’s all”

————

“Can you sneak out? Go bird watching” 

“Richie. You’re sitting out my window. Of a two story house. At midnight. And you’re asking me to go bird watching??”

“Stan please” Richie frowns as Stan groans before grabbing a coat heading out the window with him. 

The two walk to the nearest park, Stan walking beside Richie confused on what this means. Then they both find themselves sitting on the swings embracing the silence and the cold of winter. 

“I love him Stan”

Stan felt his heart break as he looks down in his hands frowning. 

“Eddie?”

“Yeah, and he’s leaving when senior year is over...”

“We all are Richie” Stan frowns as Richie looks at him confused. 

“I thought-“

“I got accepted to a college in Georgia. I’m taking the opportunity”

“B-But why...” Richie frowns as Stan turns to him seeing how upset he was getting. “I..I can’t lose my best friend man....”

Stan brought himself to his feet as Richie immediately got off the swing instantly hugging his best friend. Stan felt tears form in his eyes holding onto him tightly. 

But when he parts from Rich. He looked up at his eyes thinking of everything that’ll happen in the future. Stan grabs his face pressing his lips against his as Richie instantly grabbed onto his torso keeping the kiss there. 

Bliss...

————

“So you kissed Stan? Or he kissed you. When you were seniors”

“Yes...you sound extremely confused”

“You’ve told me before that you never knew his feelings”

“I never did until that night. But I took advantage of it”

“By ignoring it. Staying fixated on Eddie”

“Yes...”

“You love them both Richie”

“I do, but now they’ll never now...” Richie frowns looking down. “They never will”

“I highly doubt that. The two may be gone physically. And not to bring up the hallucinations but they are here. Listening. From what your brain is telling you. Or your spirits. We still don’t know which one is truly affecting you”

“My brain is making them do what they are doing?”

“It’s possible”

“But that doesn’t mean they’ll know. Know for sure. I told Eddie how I felt as he died in my arms. I told Stanley how I felt at his grave. I stood in two different places crying my heart out. When all I wanted was for both of them to be there. Alive. But they’ll never will be” Richie frowns feeling the tears starting to form again as Eddie turns to Stan behind the therapist’s seat before making his way to Richie’s couch with him. 

Stanley walks over to his right side and Eddie on his left. Both resting a hand on his back as Richie felt a pain shoot into his chest making him gasp. His therapist immediately called 911 as precaution before helping Rich the best of her ability. 

Emergency Contacts:

Beverly Hanscom-Marsh

Ben Hanscom-Marsh

Mike Hanlon

William (Billiam) Denbrough 

And of course, all were called.


	10. Die Alone

“I TOLD YOU. I FUCKING TOLD YOU BEN AND YOU JUST DONT LISTEN” Beverly yells are Ben in the waiting room, their baby staying the weekend at Ben’s mother’s since hospitals carry a lot of germs. 

“Stop yelling at me.”

“I CANT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU I WORRIED BUT NO. NO ONE LISTENS. NO ONE LISTENED TO RICHIE IN DEPTH”

“Woah. You need to truly be quiet” Mike states as he finally joins the two after a terrible flight from Florida. “This is a hospital people are healing”

“Well fucking Richie may be dying” Bev snaps as the tears were rolling down her cheeks. Ben frowns resting a hand on her shoulder only to be pushed off. “He misses Eddie and Stan. And we fucking ignored that. Moved on. Because we had the ability to. But he never did” she cries as Bill comes back into the private waiting room in tears. “Bill...”

“What’s the new about Richie?”

“I really wish...wish he didn’t let me watch Grey’s Anatomy. Because fuck can those episodes seem so real. And I can’t believe I’m saying this. But fuck I wish Derek Shepherd was real. Cuz he’s got...he’s got a brain tumor...in a difficult fucking spot” Bill sat down to let his body fully take in all the feelings letting him break down into tears. 

He already lost Eddie. Stan. He’s not mentally ready to lose Rich.

“hypothalmus, amygdala and hippocampus....those are three big ass words that I don’t fucking know” Richie frowns as the doctor tried to keep the calmest attitude known to man when explaining his options. 

“It’s a brain tumor but we see hallucination cases with those who suffer from schizophrenia. So we can try things that can minimize the hallucinations. But I’d like a biopsy and if it’s cancerous. We can try and shrink it with chemo then surgically remove it but that’s all up to you after we do the biopsy. Brain surgery goes a long way and can have deficits”

“Shit. Honestly, the fuckers standing behind you from my vision. Are looking at me with pure worry in their eyes. But I know and you know that they aren’t actually there. They....are dead..so who knows what I want after the...biopsy..” Richie frowns as the doctor hands him the consent forms staring at them. “Damn. I’m gonna have a shaved head for this huh?”

“Yes”

“Bummer” Richie snickers knowing life is already making him lose his hair but now the two are making him lose his life. A lot of thoughts are coursing through his head at the moment. 

After a while Richie’s doctor walks into the waiting room finding the four sitting far away from one another. The doctor stares at the scene before watching them all get up at once. 

“Is there a plan?”

“A plan to remove the tumor”

“Will he survive this plan?”

“Answer!”

“Hm. I would’ve never thought a Trashmouth comedian to have well friends. But it’s nice to know he does. I’ve already told Mr. Denbrough here everything but we did do the biopsy and he’ll wake up soon. Regarding plans? That’s not up to you or me. That’s up to the results making the plans and Richard making the final decision of what he wants to do”

“Can we go see him? Please” Bev cries as the doctor nods leading her and Ben. 

Mike stayed back with Bill who wasn’t having the thoughts at the moment. 

“Bill, Rich will be fine”

“Y-You don’t k-k-know that...h-h-h-he can die”

He can die.

But that doesn’t mean giving up on hope.

“Bill. Just be hopeful” Mike grabs his shoulders watching the grown ass man cry. 

Bev immediately ran into Richie’s room resting a hand on his arm making him flinch a bit to sudden touch. He opens his eyes slowly turning to Bev. 

“Who....who are you?”

“R-Richie...” Bev starts tearing up as Richie gave off a devilish smirk which made Bev go from upset to angry in seconds. 

“Sorry thought that was funny....”

“Beep beep Richie” Ben sighs sitting down as the doctor let them be alone until he gets the results. 

“You guys didn’t have to fly here. You have a baby”

“Baby is safe with his grandma. We want to be here for you Rich”

“Hm...crazy. If I had a kid. All I’d want to do is watch he or her grow up. Despite what’s happening to me personally”

“Shut up Rich you know you’d come to our bedside” Ben frowns as Richie laughs a bit nodding. 

“You’re right. But right now, I’m just glad he only shaved the spot the probe went in. I still got my hair” Richie laughs looking at Stanley standing behind Ben. “Hm. They are dressed for a funeral”

“What Rich?” Bev frowns confused as Richie turns to her again seeing Eddie leaning against the wall in a black suit. 

“Hm. I think I’m dying”

“Richie don’t say that” Bev took his hand as Ben rests his hand on his ankle. “You’re going to make it through this hun”

“I’m in my forties. I’d be surprised as hell if I make it through anything at this point” 

“You can still be strong in your forties” Stanley states as Eddie rolls his eyes. “Lighten up Eddie”

“You know if he pulls through. We are gone right?” Eddie frowns as Stan shrugs a bit feeling blood seep through his sleeves making him take a step out disappearing for the time being. “I love you Trashmouth. What are you going to do without me...”

“Live” 

“Or?”

“Die alone”


	11. Memory

The four losers surround their friend in his bed as the doctor walks in putting the MRI on the light turning it on and describing where the tumor is before going onto the rest. 

Cancer, but

“But what?” Mike frowns as he took Rich’s hand into his. 

“Even if we do chemo and shrink the tumor. It’s still in a very sensitive spot that’ll cause quite the number of deficits” The doctor frowns turning the light off. “We can start away with chemo Mr. Tozier, but when we can get the point where the surgery becomes a full option. You can’t live alone until the deficits refrain themselves or until you’re completely cancer free”

“Is the cancer only in my brain? So what does that give me” Rich frowns as Bill felt a knife pierce through his chest at the sound of six months if he did nothing. “Hm. I need to call my manager”

“Rich that can wait” Ben frowns as Richie shook his head sitting up about to fully get out of bed when Mike and the doctor stopped him. 

Bev went into the ambulance bag taking out his phone from his pants’ pocket handing it to him. “What exactly are you doing?”

“Hm. The obvious”

“And what e-e-exactly is t-the obvious?” Bill stutters watching Richie take a long time to text his manger not having his glasses for the most part. 

“Cancelling my shows for the rest of this year and so on. But fixing something” Richie frowns before putting his phone down to lay back. 

“Will you always love me Richie?”

“Of course Eds...”

“And me?”

“Obviously Stan”

“We’re here for you”

“But I’m not going” Richie brought himself up. “I’ll do the plan doc, chemo me up”

“And the one that’ll take care of you would be which emergency contact?”

“Bill Denbrough if he’ll have me”

“Of c-course Rich” Bill rests his hand on his shoulder as Richie rest his hand on top of his. 

“Then let’s do it....” 

A few days went by as Richie walks into Bill’s home extremely tired from chemo making his way to the guest room to relax. Bill frowns about to ask him if he needed anything but he was giving him the moment. Richie lays on the bed staring at the window seeing Eddie sitting on the pane. 

“I thought you’d disappear after a session or two...”

“We are the tumor Rich. We leave when that does”

Richie frowns taking off his glasses setting them on the night stand feeling the tears starting to form in his eyes. 

“I never wanted this Eds”

“I know Hun”

“I didn’t....I didn’t want to leave you down there...”

“I know” Eddie frowns kneeling down to his face after getting off the pane. “But you gotta remember....this is just a tumor. The real us are always going to be in your heart”

“I wish I accepted Stan’s feelings....I wish I told you sooner...I wish I had the happy ending” Richie cries hiding his face into the bed as Eddie felt the tears roll down his own cheeks and the pain in his chest return. 

Eddie reached out taking his hand squeezing it and feeling the blood pour out his chest with the tears falling quicker. 

“I’m sorry Richie....I’m so sorry”

————

“I love you....I love you please....Please don’t leave me” Richie cries holding Eddie’s face as the world collapsed around them. “Please...p-please”

“Richie, Hun he’s gone” Bev cries as Richie screams at her. 

“WE CAN SAVE HIM”

————

“You really think taking a road trip while during your chemo sessions is going to be there right course of action?”

“You’re coming with me. Aren’t you Bill?”

“Your doctor said from the most recent scan that you’re getting close-“

“Bill. I’m sorry but I can die on that table” Richie frowns grabbing Bill’s face watching the tears starting to form. “I need closure before any of that”

“T-That’s only a possibility....please Richie”

“Just. Let me do this and I’ll be okay to go on that table” 

“O-Okay...l-let’s go” Bill wipes away his tears as he and Richie get on their way. 

A few hours pass as Bill drives up to a cemetery in Georgia. Richie adjusts his beanie before getting out of the car. 

“Need a friend?”

“I’m good on this one” Richie gave off a smile before walking through the cemetery to find what he’s looking for. 

“Tsk. I never thought you’d come and see me babe” Stan frowns sitting on his tomb stone watching Richie approach him. “The chemo really be killing you Rich”

“Hey. I’ve obviously looked better. Especially when I had hair but don’t be like that” Richie sets down a tin cylinder the same one from the clubhouse on the square of the grave sight. “I’m sorry for that one night”

“I’m the one that kissed you Rich, what are you sorry about?”

“Not accepting your feelings”

“You were emotional. About everyone leaving. Especially Eddie. And that night? Me too” 

“Stan, I love you. I cherished our friendship. I was so heartbroken hearing about your suicide.”

“I made a promise to Bill to come back. I was so determined to protect you when I did come back. But fear took over. And I broke a promise and an objective”

Richie snorts a bitch. “Objective? Life isn’t a video game”

“Don’t you wish it could be sometimes? Three lives? Eddie and I would be back. But that sounds very ridiculous right now” Stan laughs as Richie sits beside him which Stan took the opportunity resting his head on his shoulder. “So. You’re taking the chance”

“Yeah. My next scan will determine surgery the week after or not. But they are very determined to get the sucker out of my head”

“We’ll be gone hun”

“Yeah but you’ll always be in my heart”

Stan smiles feeling an old familiar pain in his wrists making him cross his arms. 

“Will you miss me Richie?”

“I always will baby” Richie smiles as he closes his eyes for a moment before opening them without Stan in sight. 

I always will 

————

“I know jokes are inappropriate at a funeral, but boy would I be given a death stare by Stan if he were standing here today. He was never a huge fan of my jokes. But definitely my favorite to tell them all to” Richie chokes up a bit as he adjusts his coat. “He’s always gonna be the man I could never be, he was well Stan the Man” he jokes as the tears roll down his cheeks. 

————


	12. Turning Out Pt.ii

“You guys really didn’t have to be here”

“It’s a week before your surgery. We are going to be here for you through it all man” Mike smiles sitting beside Bill on the loveseat as Bev sat beside Richie who held the little baby boy on his propped up legs.

“It must be scary. Knowing you’ll be in surgery?” Bev frowns as Richie didn’t care at the moment as he felt the little one’s hands squeeze his fingers. “Hun?”

“I don’t care right now, I’m just enjoying this moment” Richie smiles continuing to play with his tiny hands. “Wait. We don’t even know this one’s name”

Ben frowns looking at Bev as she sighs a bit. “We wanted to wait till we know you weren’t seeing the two anymore. Or well, still hurting after all that’s happened”

“I wouldn’t worry about that Bev” Richie scoffs before getting an idea as he laughs a bit resulting in a permanent smile on his face. “You named him after one of the losers we lost didn’t you?”

“Both of them actually” Ben laughs as Bev tosses the couch pillow at him. “What? You wanted to do it!”

“I know! But you don’t have to laugh at Edward” Bev rolls her eyes giving off a smile. “It’s a mouthful since I took both our last names and so would our baby. So it’s-“

“Edward Stanley Hanscom-Marsh” Mike connected the dots as Ben nods smiling. 

Richie laughs more before holding the little one close and comfortably for him. He felt the tears form in his eyes as he then and there made a vow knowing it’ll be set in motion right there. Make sure this little boy lives the best life. Better than what the seven had once faced. Knowing his fellow losers would also do their best. 

“I told you Eddie is short” Richie jokes laughing with the boys as Bev, now annoyed but laughing as well, took her son into her arms enjoying the baby cuddling up in his mother’s warmth. 

“I will end you Richie” Bev laughs before going to put Eddie down for his nap. 

Bev walks passed Eddie and Stan on her way to the study where she put the portable crib in. Eddie turns to Stan before looking down at his hands feeling himself shake. Stan frowns knowing what’s happening as he walks behind Richie and resting his hand on his shoulder. 

Richie held his chest for a moment as he got up to get himself water. Ben frowns looking at his fellow losers before getting up to check on Richie. 

“Hey man. You feeling...” Ben stops talking as he watches Richie take out all the pills he has to take. “Damn. You turned into Eddie” he laughs a bit getting a laugh from Richie before freaking when he started coughing. 

“Can you grab me a glass” Richie coughs as he shakily gets his pills before taking the glass from Ben’s hand taking the pills and helping them down with his water. “I’m so not ready”

“What do you mean?” Ben frowns leaning against the counter. 

“I said my goodbyes, I’m physically prepared I guess, and I don’t have to worry much about anything” Richie frowns. “But I’m not ready”

“Well I don’t really know what you’re expecting at this moment”

“When the tumor is gone and I don’t become a vegetable, what am I supposed to do after?”

“Be who you’ve always been”

“And what is that exactly?”

“Richie Tozier, the best friend to us losers, the comedian to the crowd, and the lover who never stopped loving. You’re amazing Rich. No matter what happens”

Richie stood up a bit leaning against the counter smiling. 

“I love you Haystack”

“Love you too Trashmouth” 

The day before surgery came quicker than ever, Richie was taking things better than expected and it freaked out his losers a bit but not exactly. 

“I had to fight Ben on who takes care of Eddie while you’re in here. But we’ll rotate a lot when you’re in recovery” Bev smiles looking down at Richie looking related on his hospital bed wearing his beanie until surgery happens. “Rich?”

“Sup?”

“You okay?”

Richie removes his hands from the back of his head and holding out one for Bev to take happily. 

“I love you Ms. Hanscom-Marsh and I’m perfect” Richie smiles. “But please dance on my grave if I die” he laughs as Bev punches his arm for making a sick joke. 

“Ready Mr. Tozier?” His doc asks as he walks in with the escort nurses. 

“Hm. Ready as I’ll ever be Captain” Richie laughs a bit frowning and looking at Bev. 

“I love you too Trashmouth” Bev smiles as she hugs her close friend feeling Riche grip onto her. “You’ll be perfect”

“Perfect” Richie smiles a bit before parting from Bev, taking off his glasses and beanie placing them in her hands. “I’ll see you after Bevvie”

“See you after Rich” Bev smiles watching the nurses take him out. 

“See you after...” Richie frowns as he felt the drugs kick in. “I love you beautiful....losers...” he sighs falling asleep. 

————

“Rich?”


	13. If You Are But a Dream

“Rich?”

Richie lifted himself up from the field, the field in the barrens. He lifted his hands seeing the youth as he quickly got up running down to thewater seeing his younger self. 

“Tsk. I’m closeted again”

“I wouldn’t say that fucknut” 

Richie turns his left seeing younger Eddie in the bright red shorts. He still wore them on occasion during high school. Richie couldn’t help but feel the heat in his face. Eddie laughs a bit before holding his hand out. 

“Come on”

“Where the hell do you think you’ll be taking me”

“To make us look more age appropriate” Eddie pulls the two through a time only Richie remembers. 

Eddie grew a bit taller looking more mature as he wore a sweater, black skinny jeans, and converse. His college look from his times in New York. He smiles looking at Richie’s college self. 

The leather jacket over a Hawaiian shirt, navy skinny jeans, and high tops. Also having black framed glasses. 

“Who would’ve thought you were this hot in college, maybe I would’ve come out sooner if you went to New York”

“Hm. What I don’t understand is how I see...your college self”

“Remember Trashmouth, you did gigs here. One trip to New York for winter instead of going to your folks. You did a small gig that you surprisingly managed to get on your own and I was in the crowd. But the fucking clown didn’t let you recognize me” Eddie smiles as the scene changed to the underground bar. The one time Eddie went with his college friends and sweetheart at the time aka Myra. “You were pretty funny”

“Even if most my jokes were about how love sucks and dicks are great sometimes” Richie laughs as he traces his finger against the tiny stage in the bar before taking a seat. 

Eddie waves as Richie tilts his head confused before suddenly falling through and falling on his back in a playground. He stares up at the sky finding high school Eddie looking over him laughing and running toward the play place. Richie sat up to find Stanley sitting in the same swing set with a smile on his face. 

“So is this some kind of drugged dream scape?”

“Hm. It can be. Or the afterlife” 

“Shit. I’m dead?”

“No” Eddie yells as he goes down the slide before laying in it. “You’re not dead. Stan is just jumping to a possibility”

“Shit am I in control?”

“Not for the most part. Surgery is going smoothly for the most part” Stan states patting the open swing. 

Richie got up making his way right beside Stan and swinging a bit. “This is the same swing set from the time you kissed me”

“Mhm. Except Eddie is here”

“Did he fall asleep in the slide?” Richie laughs as he watches Eddie’s legs swing back and forth on the edge of the slide. “Maybe. Maybe not”

“You miss this, I can feel it”

“I miss a lot of things. I’m gonna miss the hallucinations for a good month. Then get my life back on track”

“What’s the plan Trashmouth?” Eddie appears in a third swing that was never on the original but in this place it exists right next to Richie. 

“I’m gonna bring back up my comedy career. Since I’m a proud open gay man with a lot of gay jokes”

“I appeared at his first show doing his own material”

“Damn. And I appeared after a therapy session. We fucked though so I guess that’s a plus”

“You do a lot of tongue rich” Stan laughs as does Eddie. 

“True. Can’t deny that”

“Woah woah woah. Are you talking from the tumor days or?”

“Well when we kissed it just lasted long. You didn’t make me swallow your tongue”

“Okay stan that’s an image I don’t need”

“You never kissed actual me but yeah you do do a lot of tongue to a hallucination” Eddie laughs a bit. Stan rolls his eyes smiling before the two draw their attention to Richie getting on the swing and facing the two. 

“Can I do stuff here?”

“It’s your brain Rich” 

“You can do anything”

Richie stops for a minute before clapping as the three soon find themselves under Neibolt. In their adult versions. Except Stan is dressed in a hospital gown with his wrists slit and Eddie has the chest wound and face cut. 

“Why here out of all places rich?”

“Can’t believe you died here Eddie”

“Trust me. Not my cup of tea” 

“Hm”

Richie walks over to Eds resting his hands over his ears and staring dead in the eyes. 

“I love you....I love you....please” Richie says as Eddie looks at him wide eyed feeling tears rolling down his cheeks and his body weaken. 

“Why’d you leave me behind....”

“They dragged my body out of there so I wouldn’t have died with you”

“You loved me Richie....why”

“My story needed to continue, but you weren’t ever going to leave my heart” Richie cries as Eddie embraces Richie tightly feeling the pain go away. 

Stan watches the scene disappear into a black darkness as he watches his feet for a moment. Every step reacted like he walked on water. Richie lets go of Eddie for a moment walking over to Stan and resting his hand on his cheek feeling a hand rests on his chest. 

“You caused the most symptoms, you know that?”

“With a touch” Stan smiles for a second then he faded. “Give them a scare Richie” he presses his chest as Richie suddenly coughed up flowers. “He’s hemorrhaging. But they got it” He removes his hand as the tears rolled down his cheeks. “You loved Eddie since you were kids, I loved you since the blood oath, which made me your tumor”

“I don’t see the logic in this. I could’ve honestly totally rocked a poly relationship if you two lived” Richie jokes but was truthful. He got the two to laugh as their laughs went through phases. 

Child Teen College Adult End

“You’ll never know if Stan and I had a moment before our departure” Eddie frowns as Stan grabbed Richie’s shoulders causing his heart to pound. 

“Can you live with that Richie? Can you live with the fact that we’ll never be around anymore?”

“Honestly?”

“What?” The two asked as Eddie stood beside Stan at that point. 

“You two will always have a place in my heart, yeah a bigger piece than the losers but I’m never going to forget you two. Besides. I have a kickass nephew named after you two. I gotta teach him not to be afraid”

“Be braver than you think”

“Stand” Stan smiles bringing his hands up to Richie’s face and bringing him in. “I’ll miss you Rich” he kisses him one last time before fading. 

Richie watches the darkness turn into the library. Moments before the final fight. Leaving the two alone. Reliving.....a lost moment. 

“I’m afraid”

“We all are”

“Richie”

“Trust me”

“I can’t...”

“You can. You have to”

“Richie”

“Bill needs us. I need....”

“You need....us?”

“Twenty seven years Eddie Spaghetti, and I’ve loved you since that day summer started. Even before. So when I say. Trust me. Please trust me when I say I’ll protect you. The best I can”

Eddie frowns as he rests his hand on Richie’s cheek causing Richie to choke for a moment before crying. He wrapped his arms around his neck embracing him feeling Richie’s arms wrap around his waist bringing him in close. 

“You loved me for twenty seven years”

“Yes”

“I’ve missed twenty seven years, that I could’ve had with you”

“It’s okay, because I promise” Richie parts but still held Eddie close for a moment. 

“Promise?”

“That’ll we’ll make it”

“Promise me”

“I promise you....”

I’ll make it


	14. City of Stars

————

“When will he wake up?” Bill frowns holding Richie’s cold hand. 

“Well there were complications during his surgery, but I’m proud to say. I got it all out” The doctor puts his light away after checking Richie’s pupillary response. “He’ll be on the vent until he can breath on his own. Then he’ll wake up naturally in a sense” he says calmly making his way out. 

Mike watches the doctor leave before resting a hand on Rich’s shoulder. “He’ll live. Besides. You’re going to have to fight Bev if it ever came down to the measures of unplugging him or not”

“Don’t joke Mike”

“Sorry...Richie would’ve gotten a kick outta that” Mike scoffs sitting down in the chair. “Going to stay here all night?”

“Probably. I don’t know”

“Healing takes time Bill. When Richie is ready to wake up. He’ll wake up”

He’ll wake up

Don’t worry

-Day Three- 

Bev sat beside Richie’s bed looking at the chest rise and fall with the help of the vent as she traces her fingers against the palm of his hand. 

“Doc says you cancer free. Well. You’ll still need to get scans every now and then. But that’s just to make sure that his statement is for sure” Bev smiles as the vent’s sounds were reassuring somewhat. “You’re perfect”

“Hey Bev” Bill joins her sitting across from her over Rich. “Has any changes happen?”

“No but he’ll pull through. I know he will”

“He’s Trashmouth”

“We need him to feel whole”

“Exactly” Bill smiles as he watches the monitor then the vent which made him emotional. “I always wish it was me in these situations. Not those I care about”

“I know Bill, I feel the same way” Bev frowns squeezing Richie’s hand as she felt him squeeze back. “Richie....” 

-Day Five-

The night nurse was making rounds as she found Bill sleeping in one chair and Ben in the other. She smiles happily, happy to know that a patient has caring friends to be by their side. The nurse on the morning shift took out the vent since he was breathing on his own but he wasn’t fully awake at the moment. 

“You’re so cared for Mr. Tozier” She whispers as she checks the dosage he’s on and the bandages. 

“Hn.....t-they are....s-stupid for sleeping...here”

The nurse flinches retracting her hand watching Richie’s eyes open slowly looking directly at her. 

“S-Sorry”

“No need to apologize Mr. Tozier, Welcome back” She smiles doing a small neuro exam before going to page his doctor. 

-Day Six-

“Welcome back Mr. Tozier, how was that long ass nap” The doc jokes making Richie give off a pain filled laugh but he didn’t mind it. 

“Awful. Not enough hot men”

The two shared a laugh as Bill and Ben looked at each other like, wow these two are something different. 

“Well I heard you’re staying at Denbrough’s. So you’ll be discharged when you’re able to walk and we’ll try this afternoon” He smiles patting his shoulder before leaving them alone. 

“Bev is going to be happy to hear you’re awake”

“Bevvie the Queen was right. I’m perfectly fine” Richie smiles as he closes his eyes to rest a moment. “Lil’Eddie is going to have a field day with me as an uncle”

“Rich you know Bev is going to kill you if you teach him any bad language”

“Hey I’ll be the funny uncle. I can’t...can’t wait to hear his laugh. I heard it adds years to your life span so” Richie laughs as does Ben. “Man, I lived”

“You lived, bitch”

“Eyy. I gotta do...I gotta do that meme and send it to Mike. He’ll get a kick out of that”

“Always going to make jokes huh?”

“Nothing will stop me from seeing the bright side of things” Richie smiles. “For the most part of course”

-Day Nine- 

“Discharge day baby” Richie groans a bit as Mike was with him this time. He helped him up as Richie smacks his chest to let go of him and let him do his thing. “Man. Can’t wait to be in Bill’s guest bed. Shit is comfier than my bed”

“Hey Rich?”

“Sup Mikey?”

“Do you miss them?”

“Miss what?”

“The hallucinations?”

“No” Richie gave off a smile as he goes into the bathroom to change and once he came out. “I’ve....never been happier to say. That my life can finally go back on track”

Mike smiles big happy to hear that as he gave his close friend a hug. A much needed one to be exact. Richie didn’t let go until it was time to leave. 

-Day Eleven-

Richie laid happily in his own bed, well guest bed in Bill’s home. His upper half propped up. He had his beanie on to cover up the bandage and the dome of a head he had. 

“Hey, we are going to get some food. Ben and Bev are staying. So if you need anything”

“Call for them. Yeah. I gotcha Bill” Richie smiles a bit as he had a bit of a hard time relaxing. 

Bill frowns taking a minute and laying beside Richie. Richie laughs turning to him. 

“Taking a load off to be my cuddle buddy?”

“You looked like you needed it” Bill smiles as Richie returns the smile before getting comfy resting a bit against Bill. 

Later that night, Bev laid on one side of Richie cuddling up against him with Mike on the other side being the big spoon to them both. Bill laid on the other side of Mike holding onto him as Ben laid by their feet but his head rested in Richie’s lap. Richie enjoyed this moment as he looks over the the crib they brought in to have Lil’Eddie in the room with them. He felt safe. 

And loved.

-Week Two-

“I’m starting to grow a bit of my hair back. But the beanie will always stay until I get the fucking stitches out” Richie complains as he was also laughing a bit. 

Bill watched him walk around the living room only to get used to walking again and retraining his brain. Richie was making jokes the entire time he was doing his exercises as Bill couldn’t stop laughing at him. 

“Hey Rich?”

“Sup Billiam?”

“I got a crazy idea”

“That’s crazy”

“Huh?”

“You having an idea” Richie laughs watching Bill roll his eyes. He walks over to the table joining him. “What’s the idea?”

“Don’t take this as me being over protective-“

“But you want me to move in with you so I won’t be alone?” Richie smiles hitting it right on the dot watching Bill nod. “Let me think about it”

“Come on-“

“I’m kidding. As long as we stay in LA, I’m all good Billy boy” 

-Week Six-

Rich had gotten his stitches out but still had a bandage and his beanie on. Except he was more able to return to things that were more domestic than work related. He was unpacking a box as he found the sweater from the last time he ever visited the kissing bridge. 

“Hey the movers are done unloading-...” Bill stops talking watching Richie fall into tears but still keep a dumb smile on his face. “Are you alright Rich?”

“I’m....”

“Richie?”

“I’m perfect Bill” Richie turns to him smiling and carefully putting it back in the box. “Let’s finish the rest shall we?”

Bill smiles watching Richie walk over to him wrapping an arm around his shoulders as the two walk out the room. 

This is home

And it’s perfect

....

A year and a half pass....

The settle murmurs. The nervous pacing. The deep breaths. The combing back of fresh hair. Adjusting the navy bomber jacket. Checking of the breath. Polishing the lenses. 

Finally taking the mic, the curtains rise. The audience with losers in the crowd screaming a name. 

“My name is Richie Trashmouth Tozier, and I’m happy to be alive” Richie smiles waving to his fans....and

Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading, and also thank you for reading 💞


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